My Testimony

Written and given on the South Africa Missions Trip-April 2009

For over the past two and a half years I have lived with extreme pain in my back.  This pain has dramatically changed my life.   It all started in December of 2006. A doctor preformed a surgery on me to fix what he thought was acid reflux. I woke up from that surgery with really bad pain in my entire back. Through countless tests, I later found out that I had been misdiagnosed and that the surgery that had been done was a mistake to have. Meanwhile my back pain was getting worse every day. I was so angry to find out that it was a doctors mistake that had put me in this pain. That anger turned inward and I became such a miserable person.

I pulled away from all my friends and just stayed home. I was so angry every day, and people didn’t want to be around me. My back was hurting, and to me my life was horrible. I fully ignored God, and stopped going to church. I blamed God for my pain because I knew that he could take my pain away in an instant, after all, He can do anything! I though Jesus had failed me, and I didn’t want to live any longer. My back was hurting so much that it started to affect my sleep. I went weeks with just a couple of hours of sleep, if any hours, at night. I had no more hope in life. Every doctor I went to could not help my pain. I went to three to five doctors a week for months trying to figure out what was wrong with my back, but I got no answers.

My family was scared for my physical safety, they thought I might get so depressed I would try to kill myself that they put me in the hospital. I spent a week there and had every test in the building done on me. It was there that I met the doctor that figured out I had been misdiagnosed, and we decided to undo the first surgery. Finally, after months of disappointment, I had hope. But instead of putting my faith in God to fix me, I put all my trust in the doctors. I think that is probably why my pain was even worse after that surgery. Another failure.

That was October of 2007, and after that I fell back into that same hopeless person, but this time, perhaps a little worse. I went to more and more doctors, but no one could help my pain even the slightest amount. I went through life the whole next year as an emotionless shell. I didn’t know how I got through that year without trying to kill myself, but I know now that Christ was with me the entire way. However since I had stopped going to church, and was angry with God, I couldn’t see this. I was in so much pain, but I would not let anyone know how much I was truly suffering. I relied heavily on alcohol to escape and take my pain away, and to sleep.

This past Christmas (2008) I was asked to give my testimony at my church’s annual Alpine Winter Camp in the mountains. I didn’t really want to do it, and I didn’t think I was worthy to give my testimony in front of three hundred people. However, for the first time in such a long time a could feel God inside me pushing me to share my story, so I did. I was so glad I did because after I finished my testimony I had hundreds of my fellow classmates praying for me. I realized that day that I didn’t have to suffer alone. God was with me, and he had been with me, carrying me through my struggles I realized that I should not be blaming Christ for my suffering, but instead be praising the fact that He has given me life, and the chance of eternal life in Heaven.

"12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed…  19So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." -1 Peter 4:18

I have messed up so many times, and made so many mistakes. But God has forgiven me. It is sometimes so difficult to put all my trust in God. I don’t know when or even if God will heal my pain. But I do know that God will be with me every step of the way.

"16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18